Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Pre-Season Football: Like Looking in the Girls Locker Room

It's that time of year.  Preseason football is upon us and as per yearly tradition it's time for this:

If you were a red-blooded male in high school, at one point there wasn't much on your mind: sports, women, sports, women, food.

Your time was tempered by wondering what the girl of your choice would look like in the suit that nature had made for her.

Also, if you were like most red-blooded males, you knew you had zero chance of ever finding out.

However, there was one way. One hope. One wish. One dream.

The girls' locker room.

"If only..." you would think to yourself. "If only I could see through to the other side."

Your high-school dreams and fantasies could be realized with one simple wish granted, and no doubt you'd like what you saw at first. Even if it were just a glimpse. Then time would continue on. You'd still look, but realize that you wanted more.

Viewing was nice, fine, awesome...but you wanted the next experience, the next step. You were no longer satisfied with just seeing. You knew the world was bigger than just that view, and you were ready.

Every year, this experience plays out in a smaller, less perverse way: The NFL preseason.

Come training camp, it's like we're in high school again. We wonder what's behind that door, because the most beautiful sport just walked through. Only, in this scenario, we get to see through the walls. It starts with the Hall of Fame Game and that first week, we're pumped. We're excited. We see the beautiful girls.

There's Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady! Look, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, and Calvin Johnson! It's Andrew Luck and Arian Foster!

The wall has come down and we see, in all of its glory, what our eyes had craved for so long.

Then the cheerleaders would leave and the women's rugby team comes in.

Terrelle Pryor?  Matt Leinart?  Tim Tebow? Oh man...what am I watching?

The enjoyment of what we once yearned for quickly fades, as we realize: not every girl is hot. Likewise, not all football is entertaining.

We bide our time, like waiting for that special night, when the proverbial cherry is popped and the new season starts. It may not leave you as breathless, but you're relieved it's over, and you talk about it with all of your friends.

Much like your high school love, the preseason attraction will fade, and most of you will have your hearts broken. One of you in 32 will marry that woman you saw on the other side of the wall, and you'll love every flaw that you saw on her.

The thing about this school is that you don't graduate. At the end of the year, you're right back to wishing you could see through those walls. You forget all about what just happened; even the happily married couple reverts.

You're right back to wishing you could see that track star after her run, know what Antonio Brown and the other cheerleaders look like, and you don't even think about Charlie Whitehurst and that rugby team.

Right now, I've had enough of looking through walls.

I'm ready to fall in love with the 2012 season.

Let's go Steelers. May you make a beautiful bride. For the seventh time.

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